Sugarcane

"Upper GI endoscopy is a procedure that uses a lighted, flexible endoscope to see inside the upper GI tract. The upper GI tract includes the esophagus, stomach, and duodenum—the first part of the small intestine." -National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK)\n\n<<back>>\n

You open a box of linguine and put half of it into the pot. You figure you'll bring some to work for lunch tomorrow. Also, Emmett, your boyfriend, will eat a lot anyways. \n\n[[Your phone has been buzzing. Check to see what's up.|14_dinner]]\n[[Look at yourself in the full-length mirror.|13_dinner]]\n

[img[begin.png][2]]\n

You feel like you had the wind knocked out of you.\n\n"I'm not ok, I have a condition."\n\nYou hear yourself saying "a condition" in your head. You're saying it over and over.\n\nEmmett: "What exactly happened?\n\n"My esophagus is swollen... there's these rings. It's called eosinophilic esophagitis. That's... I have to eat soft things now. I can have soup. No chicken. No Vegetables. No Popcorn... I could choke."\n\n[[Tell Emmett you're worn out and upset.|34_emmett]]\n[[Tell Emmett that you're fine, and that you don't want to bother him at work.|32_emmett]]

[img[chicken.png][fries]]\n

Emmett: "I'm worried about you. Should I come meet you somewhere? Are you going to be ok? It sounds like you're crying."\n\nYou: "Obviously I'm crying."\n\nYou're not sure why you were suddenly so harsh. You feel like you've lost control over your body.\n\nEmmett: "I'll come meet you--where are you?"\n\nYou: "No, don't, I'm ok. I have to go to work."\n\n[[Tell him that you have to go.|34_emmett]]\n[[Tell him that you love him.|33_emmett]]\n

You're not like super horny or anything--but, if you have sex, you think that you'll be in a much better mood. Honestly, you woke up feeling emotionally drained, like you had just lost a pet cat or something. You really needed a reminder that you weren't alone, especially right before this potentially awful doctor's appointment.\n\nYou have sex, but you're not super into it--you have a lot of trouble getting your mind off of the pain from last night. You're not in pain anymore, but you can still feel where it hurt. You can't stop thinking about it, no matter how good the sex feels.\n\nIt seems to make Emmett feel better though, which makes you happy.\n\nYou run to the bathroom to brush your teeth--the black spots on the ceiling are still there. You text your landlord, because he was supposed to take care of that a while ago.\n\n[[You throw on some clothes and head to the doctor's.|26]]\n

You run to the bathroom--the black spots on the ceiling are still there. You text your landlord, because he was supposed to take care of that a while ago.\n\nYou head out with Emmett--it's too cold outside. On top of that, you're pretty sad that you missed the opportunity to have sex. You don't like the fact that stress seems to be destroying your libido.\n\nHe takes the subway with you for a few stops, but has to get off before you. He kisses you, and tells you that he'll come over again tonight. He wants you to let him know what happens as soon as you get out of the doctor's appointment. \n\n[[You wave goodbye.|26]]\n

Whenever you're feeling down, you tend to listen to the same kinds of music--droney, electronic, sad stuff. You always do this, and you feel like it must be pretty lame. \n\nYou look at everyone else on the subway--it's 9:00 AM, so they all look like they're heading to work. You pause your music, and the train is silent, except for the hiss of the engine and the momentary clash of wheels on the tracks. \n\nYou play your music again--the noises in the subway make you feel lonely. Everyone looks so sad. \n\nThere's an old man in a worn-out plaid coat standing next to a young man with a leather suitcase. The old man's eyes are shut, and the young man is reading something on his iPad. You think that the old man has probably had a hard life--you wonder if he has a job, or a family. You don't think he ever had an iPad, and you feel bitter towards the young man, who gets off at this stop. You have to get off too, and you wonder if the old man will ever get off the train.\n\n[[You walk a few blocks to the doctor's office.|27]]\n

"I'm here to see Dr. Li," you say to the girl at the front desk. She recognizes you, and tells you to wait and he'll be right out.\n\nHe is, indeed, quick, and [[you walk into his office a few minutes later|27_2]].\n

You tell Emmett that when you were 15, your mom would yell at you if she so much as heard you opening a cabinet in the kitchen. She would tell you that you weren't fat, you were just overweight, and that you needed to eat less. "You don't look as good as you could," she'd say. \n\nYou tell him how one day, when you were 15, you decided to see if your mom would care if you had an eating disorder. You really wanted her to worry about you--to feel bad for terrorizing you about your weight. You went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, and dropped handfuls of water into the toilet to make it sound like you were puking. You could hear her walking by the bathroom, but she never said anything.\n\nThe pasta is probably ready now. Emmett tells you that he wants you to feel good about yourself, and that he hopes that your doing ok. He knows how hard it can be for you to talk to your mom. \n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

You tell Emmett that you've always felt like you were fat. Your mom definitely always thought you were fat, although she would never say it outright. She'd say things like "you snack too much," or "your pants are too tight."\n\nThe pants thing always bothered you--especially because your mom's pant size was much smaller than your own, even when you were a teenager. She could fit into a 0, while you were always a 10. She would try to motivate you to lose weight by saying "I have so many cute clothes that I could give you, if only you'd go to the gym a couple times a week."\n\nThe pasta is probably ready. Emmett tells you that he wants you to feel good about yourself, and that he hopes that you're doing ok.\n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

The noodles are steamy. They smell and taste good, and suddenly you're ravenous. You eat a few forkfuls and lean back onto the couch. Emmett goes to get you both some water, and [[you take a few more bits of pasta|22_1]]. \n

You wake up, and Emmett's already sitting on the couch with his laptop in the living room. He sees you roll over, and walks back into your room and gets into the bed. He pulls you over and squeezes you. \n\n"Morning--how are you feeling?" he says.\n\nYou tell him that you're feeling ok--just sort of drained. Last night was rough. You tell him that you've got to get going because you have that doctor's appointment. \n\n[[Have sex, and show up to your appointment a little late.|24]]\n[[Go take a shower and walk to the train with Emmett.|25]]\n

eosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\neosinophilic esophagitis\n\n[[your head feels like an echo chamber and your stomach feels like a living creature, fighting to expel itself from your body.|29]]\n

"Eosinophilic esophagitis," said Dr. Li, "essentially means that there are rings on the inside of your esophagus--inflamed rings. These rings are what's making it difficult for you to swallow. The burning sensation in your stomach is the gastritis. Unfortunately, eosinophilic esophagitis doesn't have any proven treatment."\n\nYou're not sure that you understand what the doctor is saying anymore. All you know is that everything around you feels and sounds loud.\n\n"However, of course, we need to deal with your issues swallowing. There's a treatment that's... not well studied, but I have used it with other patients and some have found success. You will need to take two puffs of a steroid inhaler daily--puffing onto your tongue, and swallowing the substance. You'll also need to avoid foods that are not easy to chew, like chicken, because you're at higher risk for choking that the average person."\n\nYou can see the noodles from last night, and all the tough vegetables, on your white plate.\n\n"The steroid inhaler isn't very good for you--but you must know that, because of your asthma. So we'll give it a try, but I'll need to check on you fairly frequently."\n\nHe continues to tell you about the dangers of steroids, and the kinds of foods you should avoid--but all you can think about is the white plates at your apartment, full of food.\n\n[[You leave with a prescription and a follow-up appointment in a month.|docs]]\n

You don't really like talking to your mom. All she cares about is your weight, and if you bought any new clothes recently. She always asks about how school is going, but doesn't seem very interested in the details.\n\n[[Call your boyfriend instead.|7]]\n[[Go to the kitchen for a snack.|8]]\n

[img[crying.png][31_emmett2]]\n

Mangia

A gastroenterologist is a doctor that specializes in the digestive system, which is also referred to as the gastrointestinal (GI) tract.\n\n<<back>>

[img[docs.png][30]]\n

Your cell phone is buzzing--it's mom.\n\n[[Answer.|3]]\n[[Ignore.|4]]\n

Mom: "What happened? You talked to the doctor?"\n\nYou're standing on the corner of the corner of Lafayette and Grand St. You still have to go to work, but you're stuck on the corner. Your whole body feels like it's being crushed by the weight of a steel anchor. You can't even blink.\n\nMom: "Hello? Nina?"\n\n[[...|momcry]]\n

You tell Emmett that when you were 15, your mom would yell at you if she so much as heard you opening a cabinet in the kitchen. She would tell you that you weren't fat, you were just overweight, and that you needed to eat less. "You don't look as good as you could," she'd say. \n\nYou tell him how one day, when you were 15, you decided to see if your mom would care if you had an eating disorder. You really wanted her to worry about you--to feel bad for terrorizing you about your weight. You went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, and dropped handfuls of water into the toilet to make it sound like you were puking. You could hear her walking by the bathroom, but she never said anything.\n\nEmmett asks you if you ever actually had an eating disorder.\n\n[[Tell him about that one doctor's appointment...|20_dinner]]\n[[Tell him that you didn't--you were too obsessed with food to not eat it.|19_dinner]]\n

[img[swallow.png][61]]

[img[fries.png][59]]\n[img[fish.png][60]]\n

[img[apple.png][64]]\n[img[fries.png][63]]

[img[docs.png][56]]

[img[crying.png][55]]

[[Which will you eat?|58]]\n

[img[swallow.png][57]]\n

Emmett: "I'm sorry... I can't know what it's like. I do know, though, that you need to eat something. If you chew your pasta really, really well, I'm sure it will be ok. I'm here with you now, in case anything does happen."\n\nYou do feel better now that you're not alone. \n\nYou: "Ok, I'll try to finish it."\n\nYou take another bite, and another, chewing as thoroughly as you can. You feel a wave of anxiety wash over you every time you swallow, but you remind yourself that you're not alone. If anything happens, Emmett will help you.\n\nYou start to feel full very quickly.\n\n[[Finish the pasta.|to52]]\n

Emmett: "What did you eat today?"\n\nYou: "Oatmeal."\n\nEmmett: "...for breakfast?"\n\nYou: "...yeah."\n\nEmmett: "You're not a very good liar--you know that. That's your dinner, and you should eat as much of it as you can. I can't watch you starve yourself."\n\n[[Tell him that it's too stressful to eat.|51]]\n[[Don't say anything.|51]]\n

[img[mom.png][54]]

It feels like there's a balloon expanding inside of your stomach. You feel it getting bigger and bigger, stretching your gut beyond comfort. It feels just like last night--with your insides heating up like a furnace. You bring your knees up to your forehead, squeezing yourself tight into a ball.\n\nEmmett: "Are you ok?"\n\nYou feel dizzy and nauseous. You wish you would just throw it all up--it would be better than feeling like this. Like your stomach might explode. \n\nEmmett: "Hey..."\n\nYou: "I feel so full, it hurts."\n\nEmmett rubs your back, and asks if it would feel better to lie down. You say that you would, and that you think you just ate too much. The two of you walk into your room and lie down together. \n\n[[You fall asleep.|53]]\n

[img[mom.png][22_6]]\n

You tell Emmett about how you were always snacking as a kid. You'd finish a bag of goldfish in an hour flat--in fact, you and your friend Kate used to make goldfish addiction jokes all the time. \n\nYou would also eat food in secret, because you sometimes felt too guilty to eat while your mom was around. So, you'd often tell your mom that you were going to meet up with some friends to go for a walk, but really, you and your friends would go get a slice of pizza. Sometimes, you'd even take money out of her wallet so that you could buy candy from the dollar store.\n\nEmmett says he doesn't blame you for wanting pizza. He says that it must have driven you crazy, to feel like your eating habits were being policed.\n\nYou nod and wrap some pasta up on your fork. \n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

Your stomach feels hot and full, almost bursting. The heat in your stomach feels like it's rising, and you feel it sharply in your chest. Nausea rolls over you, and you sit forward, hunched and quiet. Emmett is still enjoying his food, and he looks over at you.\n\n"Are you alright? You look really pale?" he says.\n\nYou tell him that your chest is in pain. Your chest is in severe pain and [[you have no idea why|22_5]].

[img[begin.png][22]]\n

Why would your chest start hurting suddenly? Were you choking? It almost felt like choking--or like someone had taken your esophagus, and was twisting it round and round until it was taut. Every second, in a steady beat, a sharp pain stabbed the very middle of your chest. \n\nYou're so confused, and horrified. "I have no idea what's going on inside my body," you say, and you're crying. You curl up into a ball and press your forehead into your knees. You're wondering if you'll die.\n\n[[. . .|esophagus]]

[img[begin.png][22_2]]\n

He tells you that he will review the results of the endoscopy with you, and that he wants you to ask any questions that you might have. \n\n[[Questions...?|27_3]] You shift in your seat, leaning on the arm rest.\n

"Gastroesophageal reflux (GER) occurs when stomach contents flow back up into the esophagus—the muscular tube that carries food and liquids from the mouth to the stomach." -National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK)

[img[mom.png][22_4]]\n

The end.

[img[swallow.png][81]]

Your grandfather, Nanoo, always had a healthy appetite. He would inhale your Nana's dinners without pause, and would always ask for more. He loved to eat. \n\nHe loved you and wanted you to grow up healthy and strong. He taught you how to spell your first word--milk. He made you spell it out loud: M-I-L-K. Then, he would take out a fountain pen, and you would write it clumsily onto his yellow notepad. He said that you needed to drink a lot of it--it would help you grow.\n\nAt night, he would sit you down with a bowl of pasta and meatballs and he'd tell you "Mangia, Nina! Mangia!" He told you that it meant "Eat up!"\n\nHe's not around anymore, but you'll never forget the oak table and the cupboard of antique china. His olive skin and black hair, and his low voice telling you to eat up. To live and eat and grow.\n\n[[...|82]]\n

You: "I really love you, and I need to see you tonight. If you come over after work..."\n\nEmmett: "Obviously--I just wish neither of us had to work now."\n\nYou: "I know... ok, I'm walking into my office now. I'll talk to you tonight. I love you."\n\n[[Call mom.|31_mom]]\n[[Wash your face in the bathroom.|37]]\n

You look at yourself in the mirror and remember being really little, like 12 years old, at a birthday party. This girl whose birthday party it was... well, she was very athletic, and proud of it. She told everyone at the party (we were all girls) to lift their shirts up so that we could see who had the flattest tummy. \n\nYou had always been pretty round as a child. You weren't huge, but you definitely felt like your stomach protruded more than all of the other girls. \n\nYour friend walked around, commenting on everyone's stomach. She got to you and poked you, hard, right above the belly button. You could almost hear a squishing sound in your head, and she said "your tummy is so round, Nina!"\n\n[[Your phone is buzzing.|14_dinner]]\n

Mom: "Why didn't you answer any of my calls this weekend."\n\nYou: "I was really tired. Last week was stressful and I just wanted to relax."\n\nMom: "Well Kevin and I went out to the mall and..."\n\nYou're pretty annoyed that she didn't even care to ask why you'd been stressed.\n\n[[Tell her you have to go, because you have homework to do, and hang up.|4]]\n[[Hear her out.|5]]\n

Emmett: "Hey, how are you?"\n\nYou: "I'm alright--so tired though."\n\nEmmett: "You've been really tired lately, like... a lot. Maybe you should take a day off from work?"\n\nYou: "I can't--I've already taken off too many days lately. I basically have no sick days left."\n\nEmmett: "Ok, well... can I come over tonight?"\n\nYou: "I was hoping you'd like to. I just got off the phone with my mom, so I'm sort of stressed out. I'd love some company."\n\nEmmett: "Sure, I'll be over in an hour. I'm gonna run and get my bag together, ok?"\n\nYou: "Sure, ok, I love you. See you soon."\n\nEmmett: "Bye!"\n\n[[Go get a snack from the kitchen.|8]]\n[[Begin to prepare dinner for two.|9]]\n

You run downstairs and open the door for Emmett. \n\nYou have been dating Emmett for seven or eight months. His apartment is in Manhattan, and it's tiny, so he usually stays over at your place. In fact, he basically stays over every night. You've never been in a relationship for this long, so you feel really strongly that you want it to last.\n\nYou go up into your apartment together, kiss, and sit down on the couch. \n\nEmmett: "Want to watch some anime and eat dinner? I'm starving."\n\nYou: "Sure! I made some pasta."\n\n[[While you serve the pasta, tell Emmett about the issues you've been having with you mom.|16_dinner]]\n[[Bring the food back and put on Netflix so that you can watch some anime.|18_dinner]]\n

You tell Emmett about how, the other day, your mom called and harassed you about the gym again. You tell him how stressed out you felt after--"I honestly just wanted to go straight to bed when I hung up," you said. You tell him that you wish you could just lost weight overnight. \n\nHe tells you that he thinks you look beautiful the way you are, and that you don't need to lose weight, no matter what your mom says.\n\n[[Tell him more about how your mom made you feel as a kid.|17_dinner]]\n[[Ask him which anime he wants to watch.|18_dinner]]\n

[img[crying.png][31_mom2]]

He says that you should put on Trigun, since they'd already started it last night. \n\nYou tell him that that sounds good. While you put it on, you tell Emmett that, if you'd been watching this as a teenager, you would have probably finished it in a single night. You used to always download anime, and would lock yourself in your computer room for days at a time, just watching all of these shows. Your mom would always get mad, and would call you lazy. Your dad even once got so annoyed that he ripped the computer off the desk and held it out the window like he was going to drop it, unless, he said, "you turn off all the damn video games and cartoons and go outside."\n\nEmmett opens his eyes really big and says, "he ripped it out of the wall? Oh my god." You nod, and sprinkle some cheese on your pasta. You tell him that your dad was pretty mean, but your mom was always way worse because she was passive aggressive. \n\n[[Tell him how your mom always made you feel guilty.|19_dinner]]\n[[Tell him about the time your ripped all of your moms magazines up.|21_dinner]]\n

[img[pasta.png][chicken]]\n

You: "I'm exhausted and upset. I think I need to just go back to work and sit in the bathroom for a while. I'll see you tonight?"\n\nEmmett: "Ok... I'm worried about you though. Can you stay on the phone until you get back to work?"\n\nYou: "Don't worry--this is just something I'm going to have to deal with."\n\nForever, you say to yourself.\n\nEmmett: "Are you crying? Maybe you should get a hot chocolate or something, maybe it'll make you feel better?"\n\nYou: "If I eat anything, I will puke."\n\nEmmett: "...I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me. I'm really sorry. Where are you now?"\n\nYou: "It's ok--I'm at work now. I'm going to go. Bye--love you."\n\nEmmett "Bye, I love you too..."\n\n[[Call mom.|31_mom]]\n[[Wash your face in the bathroom.|37]]\n

You head home with peanut butter cookies, a box of Cheeze-It's and angel hair pasta. You figure that angel hair is so light that it won't bother you... hopefully. Otherwise, you guess you would just not eat. \n\nYou're feeling exhausted after being in the supermarket. All of that food...\n\n[[Go to bed without eating.|41]]\n[[Make the angel hair. |42]]\n

You don't normally think about the sheer amount of food in the grocery store, but you can't help but feel the weight of it today. Walking through the sliding doors feels like jumping into the pool, your belly smacking flat onto the water.\n\nGranola bars, string cheese, ramen, potato rolls, steak, rice, asparagus, salad, hot sauce, clams, lamb, hamburger, bacon, cereal, stew...\n\nGranola bars, string cheese, ramen, potato rolls, steak, rice, asparagus, salad, hot sauce, clams, lamb, hamburger, bacon, cereal, stew...\n\nGranola bars, string cheese, ramen, potato rolls, steak, rice, asparagus, salad, hot sauce, clams, lamb, hamburger, bacon, cereal, stew...\n\nGranola bars, string cheese, ramen, potato rolls, steak, rice, asparagus, salad, hot sauce, clams, lamb, hamburger, bacon, cereal, stew...\n\nThere's so much food.\n\n[[Decide that you're not hungry after all.|40]]\n[[Buy a bunch of different things, hoping that you'll be able to eat any of it.|39]]\n

You are in disbelief--you always knew that your mom was harsh, but it seems to be totally insane for her to be insensitive about your sudden condition. You can barely contain your anger, which just makes you more upset. You wonder if you'll ever stop crying.\n\nMore importantly, though, you're at work. And your face is wet and red. You're not sure you want anyone to see you like this.\n\n[[Wash your fash in the bathroom.|37]]\n[[Go to your desk.|36]]\n

[[Call Emmett.|31_emmett]]\n[[Call mom.|31_mom]]\n

The water at work is always freezing. It's alright though, because you went to the bathroom on the first floor--no one ever uses it, so you're alone. You can deal with the cold water as long as you're alone. You stand in front of the mirror and stare at your face. You look pale and you feel small. Your head feels like it's shrinking. It feels like your blood is thin.\n\nYou rub a cheap paper towel on your face, and it leaves you more red than before. You're not sure you can avoid looking like a wreck at this point. \n\n[[Return to your desk.|36]]\n

You're starting to wonder what you're going to eat tonight. You haven't even had lunch, to be honest, but your stomach feels too battered right now to even consider eating.\n\n...\n\nThe work day goes by quickly. You spend most of it thinking about what you're going to eat tonight. Definitely not pasta, you thought, especially after last night... that pain. All you have other than that, though, is chicken. The doctor said chicken was a choking hazard. You feel nauseous just thinking about it. \n\nIt's five.\n\n[[Go home.|43]]\n[[Go to the grocery store.|38]]\n

You tell Emmett that, because of how passive aggressive your mom was, that you always would hold onto your pent up anger, until it just burst out. \n\nOne time, you were angry at her for telling you to go running. You had been going running, in fact, but you were too sore to go that day. Despite this, and you telling her that you felt sore, she said you should suck it up and go--that it would be good for you. You accused her of calling you lazy and fat again, and the two of you fought for a while. \n\nEventually, the fight escalated so much that you quietly went into her room, took out a stack of her fashion magazines and ripped them to shreds. You scattered the shreds all around the house and refused to pick them up. She was livid, to say the least.\n\nYou roll up some pasta onto your fork.\n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

[img[swallow.png][49]]\n

[img[apple.png][pasta]]\n\n

[img[swallow.png][62]]

Mangia: A game by Nina Freeman\n\nMangia is a game about Nina Freeman's personal experience being diagnosed with a chronic illness. This is a prototype. The full version will be released here during Fall 2014 with art by Jenny Jiao Hsia and music by Maxo. \n\nTrigger warning: This game deals with chronic medical conditions, eating disorders and anxiety.\n\n[[Start.|1]]\n

[img[apple.png][64]]\n[img[chicken.png][63]]\n

[img[swallow.png][65]]

[img[swallow.png][66]]

[img[banana.png][67]]\n[img[bread.png][68]]

[img[cheese.png][67]]\n[img[grapes.png][68]]\n

[img[swallow.png][69]]

[img[swallow.png][70]]

[img[cracker.png][71]]\n[img[pasta.png][72]]

[img[swallow.png][23]]\n

You made a stupid tweet about Pokemon earlier and it got a bunch of retweets. That's pretty cool. \n\nYou also have a calendar notification for tomorrow--a doctor's appointment. It's with a gastroenterologist. You got an endoscopy recently, because you'd been having some weird stomach and chest pain. Everyone says it's probably just acid reflux, but your aunt has a hernia, so they told you it was best to get checked anyways. \n\nYou're a little anxious about the appointment, but you think it'll go fine. \n\n[[Emmett's calling--he must be outside.|15_dinner]]\n

You: "I don't want to eat anything."\n\nYou can feel your face getting hot. You know that you're easily provoked by your mom, because she often jumps to conclusions before you're ready to hear them. You feel like she's being insensitive.\n\nMom: "Try to think about the positive side. This will help you have a better diet. You'll lose some weight."\n\n[[Hang up on your mom.|33_mom]]\n[[Continue arguing with her.|34_mom]]\n

Mom: "It was. Then we left the mall because Kevin needed to use the bathroom, and you know, we're still doing the potty training thing."\n\nYou: "Yeah."\n\nMom: "You sound upset--what's the matter anyways?"\n\nYou: "Nothing, I'm just tired. You know, school and whatever..."\n\nMom: "Is something wrong with you and Emmett?"\n\nYou: "Oh my god mom, no, we're great."\n\nMom: "What else could possibly be bothering you?"\n\nYou: "Uhh I just haven't been feeling great."\n\nMom: "Well, get some rest. I'm going to head out now because I have to pick up Kevin from the therapists."\n\n[[You: "Ok, bye."|6_2]]\n

You feel a sob tear through your throat and into the phone. You're not sure what you're more upset about--showing your mom how weak you are, or your newly diagnosed chronic health problem.\n\n"I'm not ok, I have a condition."\n\nYou hear yourself saying "a condition" in your head. You're saying it over and over.\n\nMom: "Well--tell me what he said."\n\n"My esophagus is swollen... there's these rings. It's called eosinophilic esophagitis. That's... I have to eat soft things now. I can have soup. No chicken. No Vegetables. No Popcorn... I could choke."\n\nMom: "So, you just need to get a blender and watch what you eat."\n\n[[Hang up on your mom.|33_mom]]\n[[Tell her that you're afraid to swallow anything.|32_mom]]\n

Your chest feels tight--it's almost like asthma. It couldn't be though, because you would be wheezing. Emmett brings back the water, and you gulp some down and it feels good. You eat more of the pasta--[[you're almost done|22_3]].

You look in the mirror and lift your shirt up. You stare at your stomach--it feels full and uncomfortable. It's odd, because you haven't eaten in a few hours.\n\nYou stand there staring at your stomach, and wonder why you stopped going to the gym. You would like to blame grad school, but you really just feel too tired to go most of the time. \n\nYou think your mom would probably kill you if she saw you in a swimsuit. \n\n[[Check to see if the water is boiling.|12_dinner]]\n[[Continue to look at yourself in the mirror.|13_dinner]]\n

The kitchen is dark. You live in a railroad style apartment, which isn't ideal, since some of the rooms just can't have windows. You're lucky that you picked a bedroom with windows, because otherwise you'd feel smothered and dusty. You have asthma, so dark, dusty places always stress you out... the dust always makes you wheeze. You do your best to keep the apartment clean, but the building is old so you still get asthma sometimes anyways.\n\nThere's not much in your kitchen cupboards.\n\n[[Take out the Cheez-It's.|10]]\n[[Prepare dinner for two, because your boyfriend is coming over later.|9]]\n

"A hernia happens when part of an internal organ or tissue bulges through a weak area of muscle. Most hernias are in the abdomen." -U.S. National Library of Medicine

You look in the mirror and lift your shirt up. You stare at your stomach--it feels full and uncomfortable. You stand there staring at your stomach, and wonder why you stopped going to the gym. You would like to blame grad school, but you also feel honestly too tired to go. \n\nYou think your mom would probably kill you if she saw you in a swimsuit. \n\n[[Continue to look in the mirror.|13]]\n[[Go back into the kitchen.|12]]\n

You remember, when you were a teenager, you'd always have a box of Cheez-It's handy while you were playing video games. You would literally eat an entire box in a night, sometimes, and your mom would yell at you and tell you to join a gym.\n\nYou eat a bunch of Cheez-It's and start to feel full. \n\n[[Go into a the bathroom and look in the full-length mirror.|10_3]]\n[[There are a bunch of dirty dishes. Wash them.|10_2]]\n

You look at yourself in the mirror and remember being really little, like 12 years old, at a birthday party. This girl whose birthday party it was... well, she was very athletic, and proud of it. She told everyone at the party (we were all girls) to lift their shirts up so that we could see who had the flattest tummy. \n\nYou had always been pretty round as a child. You weren't huge, but you definitely felt like your stomach protruded more than all of the other girls. \n\nYour friend walked around, commenting on everyone's stomach. She got to you, a poked you hard, right above the belly button. You could almost hear a squishing sound in your head, and she said "your tummy is so round, Nina!"\n\n[[Your phone has been buzzing. Check it out.|14]]\n

Your mom has always been a little OCD about cleaning. Your house growing up was totally spotless--literally every wall was white, the floors were a pristine pastel blue and the furniture was minimal. \n\nThe kitchen was always especially clean. The dishes were always either hand-washed or put into the dishwasher directly after any meal, without question. The plates were all white or clear--no stains or cracks. Every pot was always gleaming and silver. Even the smallest burn on a pot would make my mom throw it into the trash.\n\n[[Go into the bathroom and look in the full-length mirror.|13]]\n[[Check your phone--it's been buzzing.|14]]\n

You run downstairs and open the door for Emmett. \n\nYou have been dating Emmett for seven or eight months. His apartment is in Manhattan, and it's tiny, so he usually stays over at your apartment. In fact, he basically stays over every night. You've never been in a relationship for this long, so you feel really strongly that you want it to last.\n\nYou go up into your apartment together, kiss, and sit down on the couch. \n\nEmmett: "Want to watch some anime and eat dinner? I'm starving."\n\nYou: "Sure!"\n\n[[Suggest that your order from M Noodle.|16]]\n[[Offer to make some pasta.|19]]\n

You tell Emmett that when you were 15, your mom would yell at you if she so much as heard you opening a cabinet in the kitchen. She would tell you that you weren't fat, you were just overweight, and that you needed to eat less. "You don't look as good as you could," she'd say. \n\nYou tell him how one day, when you were 15, you decided to see if your mom would care if you had an eating disorder. You really wanted her to worry about you--to feel bad for terrorizing you about your weight. You went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, and dropped handfuls of water into the toilet to make it sound like you were puking. You could hear her walking by the bathroom, but she never said anything.\n\nYou arrive together back at the apartment with your food. Emmett tells you that he wants you to feel good about yourself, and that he hopes that your doing ok. He knows how hard it can be for you to talk to your mom. \n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

You each order your usuals--vegetable lo mein for you and pork dumplings for him. You cuddle and make-out for ten or fifteen minutes before you decide it's time to walk over and pick up the food.\n\nIt's pretty cold outside--it's March, and your 23rd birthday is coming right up. You hope it gets warmer by then.\n\nYou tell Emmett about how, the other day, your mom called and harassed you about the gym again. You tell him how stressed out you felt after--"I honestly just wanted to go straight to bed when I hung up," you said. You tell him that you wish you could just lose weight overnight. \n\nHe tells you that he thinks you look beautiful the way you are, and that you don't need to lose weight, no matter what your mom says.\n\n[[Continue to talk to Emmett about the issues with your mom.|17]]\n[[Tell him that you're always going to be fat.|18]]\n

You put on some water to boil in the kitchen, and apologize for not having any pasta sauce. \n\nYou cuddle and make-out while the water heats up, but you're feeling stressed out... your mom has been bothering you a lot lately.\n\nYou tell Emmett about how, the other day, your mom called and harassed you about the gym again. You tell him how stressed out you felt after--"I honestly just wanted to go straight to bed when I hung up," you said. You tell him that you wish you could just lost weight overnight. \n\nHe tells you that he thinks you look beautiful the way you are, and that you don't need to lose weight, no matter what your mom says.\n\n[[Continue to talk to Emmett about the issues with your mom.|20]]\n[[Tell him that you're always going to be fat.|21]]\n

You tell Emmett that you've always felt like you were fat. Your mom definitely always thought you were fat, although she would never say it outright. She'd say things like "you snack too much," or "your pants are too tight."\n\nThe pants thing always bothered you--especially because your mom's pant size was much smaller than your own, even when you were a teenager. She could fit into a 0, while you were always a 10. She would try to motivate you to lose weight by saying "I have so many cute clothes that I could give you, if only you'd go to the gym a couple times a week."\n\nYou arrive together back at the apartment with your food. Emmett tells you that he wants you to feel good about yourself, and that he hopes that you're doing ok.\n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

You: "I just got diagnosed with a DISEASE and you're going to tell me that it's a good thing? This is insane. I should probably just kill myself. Maybe then you'd be satisfied with my body."\n\nMom: "Nina, that's not fair. You shouldn't say things like that. I'm just trying to help. You need to be more healthy now that you have this condition."\n\n[[Tell her that you're sorry.|35_mom]]\n[[Hang up.|33_mom]]\n

[img[fries.png][pizza]]\n

[img[crying.png][52]]

[img[begin.png][11]]\n

[img[begin.png][4]]\n

You remember, when you were a teenager, you'd always have a box of Cheeze-It's handy while you were playing video games. You would literally eat an entire box in a night, sometimes, and your mom would yell at you and tell you to join a gym.\n\nYou eat a bunch of Cheez-It's and start to feel full. \n\n[[Go into a the bathroom and look in the full-length mirror.|11_dinner]]\n[[Check to see if the water is boiling.|12_dinner]]\n

[img[begin.png][12]]\n

Emmett: "Nina, please eat something. I will make you anything you want."\n\nYou sit silently for a moment, thinking about all the foods that the doctor said you shouldn't eat. It imagine that he said "you can't eat anything ever again or you'll choke" but you know that's not true. He said that soup was a good option...\n\n[[Tell Emmett that you want soup.|48]]\n[[Tell him that you want whatever.|48_2]]\n

Emmett makes you a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The bowl is full, and it looks huge to you. You can't imagine eating the whole thing, but you'll try. You know that Emmett is right--starving isn't good. No matter how tempting it is, at this point.\n\nYou dip your spoon into the bowl, bringing up a pool of broth to your lips. You take a sip, and it feels warm and nice. You swallow, and it feels like the liquid is scraping the rings on your esophagus away.\n\nEmmett: "How was that?"\n\nYou nod with approval, and scoop up a few of the noodles. You eat them, chewing thoroughly, and everything goes well. You start to feel full.\n\n[[Finish the soup.|to52]]\n

Your phone starts buzzing, and you feel the pasta sink past the middle of your chest. It's ok, you tell yourself, it's fine.\n\nYou: "...Hello?"\n\nEmmett: "Hey, I'm outside."\n\nYou: "Ok, hold on."\n\nYou go downstairs to let him in. He shuts the door and hugs you. The two of you stand together, and it's warm. You lean your forehead into his shoulder and shut your eyes.\n\n[[Tell him that you just tried to swallow some pasta, but it was scary.|51]]\n[[Tell him that you already ate, so you saved this last bowl of pasta in case he hadn't.|50]]\n

You: "I haven't eaten. I can't eat."\n\nEmmett: "I know... I know it's scary to eat right now, but you really need to. What kinds of food did the doctor recommend?"\n\nYou: "I don't want to. I'm not even hungry."\n\nEmmett: "What did you eat today?"\n\nYou: "Oatmeal."\n\nEmmett: "...for breakfast?"\n\nYou: "Yeah."\n\nEmmett: "I'll make you soup. I can't watch you starve yourself."\n\n[[Tell him you're tired and that you want to go to bed.|47]]\n[[Sit down on the couch and wait.|48]]\n

Emmett: "What did you eat today?"\n\nYou: "Oatmeal."\n\nEmmett: "...for breakfast?"\n\nYou: "...yeah."\n\nEmmett: "You're not a very good liar--you know that. I'll make you soup. I can't watch you starve yourself."\n\n[[Tell him you're tired and that you want to go to bed.|48_2]]\n[[Sit down on the couch and wait.|48]]\n

You jerk suddenly and wake up--your phone is vibrating. It's Emmett.\n\nYou: "...Hello?"\n\nEmmett: "Hey, I'm outside."\n\nYou: "Ok, hold on."\n\nYou go downstairs to let him in. He shuts the door and hugs you. The two of you stand together, and it's warm. You lean your forehead into his shoulder and shut your eyes.\n\n[[Tell him that you haven't eaten dinner.|46]]\n[[Lie, and tell him that you ate before he got there.|47]]\n

You chew slowly... but you hesitate before swallowing. You're alone in the apartment. Light spills in from your room, but it's dark outside, and there's no noise. There's nothing. If you choke on this, you could die, you tell yourself. There's no one here to save you now. \n\nWould it be better to starve, or to choke, you wonder? \n\nYou swallow the pasta, and feel every piece sliding down your throat and into your esophagus. You feel like it's taking forever, and your heart starts beating [[faster, and faster|swallow]].

The water is boiling, and you're stirring the angel hair around. The water is cloudy and steamy. The steam feels good in your lungs--you feel like it's flushing something out of you. \n\nYou empty the pot into a streamer and put the pasta in a bowl. You top it off with some olive oil and pepper, and sit on the couch. \n\nAs you roll up the pasta and bring it closer to your mouth, you feel your throat get tight. You tell yourself that you need to eat--you don't want to starve. \n\n[[Chew, and swallow.|45]]\n[[It's too risky--put the fork down.|43]]\n

You strip off your clothes and crawl into bed, wrapping yourself up in your comforter. You don't even have the energy to go to the bathroom to brush your teeth. \n\nYou lay on your side and bring your knees to your chest. You're tired, but you can't seem to shut your eyes. All you can do is think about what you could have had for dinner. Bread, quiche, pizza, meatballs, steak, pork buns...\n\n[[These are all things that you can't eat anymore.|apple]]\n

You walk out of the supermarket. The sun is so bright, and you feel lightheaded. Being surrounded by food is no good, you think to yourself. It's just too much right now. \n\nYou walk back to your apartment slowly. You're so tired.\n\n[[Go to bed.|43]]\n[[Make some pasta.|42]]\n

The thought of eating makes you nauseous. All you can think about is choking.\n\n[[You need to lie down.|43]]\n

You haven't been feeling like yourself. In fact, you think it's been months since you've really felt normal. Although, honestly, you're not even sure what you mean by "feeling normal" -- you do know, that it's not how you're feeling [[now|1_2]].

Mom: "It was so funny! Here I was, with Kevin, and he was trying to get me to buy this Teletubbies DVD. This woman walks by us and I'm like, she looks really familiar. Then, someone yells out her name, they yell Hollis! And I realized that she was one of the famous models from the 70s that I'd been shot with a few times..."\n\n[[Cut her off--tell her you have homework to do and hang up.|4]]\n[[Tell her: "Cool, that must have been exciting."|6]]\n

You decide to make some pasta, because you're not a very good cook and it's a really easy thing to make. While you wait for it to boil, you go into your bathroom to look in the mirror.\n\nYou see some black stains on the ceiling above you in your reflection. You have to remember to get your landlord to come check it out--it might be mold, you think.\n\n[[Have some Cheeze-It's while the water heats up.|10_dinner]]\n[[Shut the bathroom door and look in the full-length mirror.|11_dinner]]\n\n

[img[pizza.png][44]]\n\n

Emmett: "Hello? How'd it go?"\n\nYou're standing on the corner of the corner of Lafayette and Grand St. You still have to go to work, but you're stuck on the corner. Your whole body feels like it's being crushed by the weight of a steel anchor. You can't even blink.\n\nEmmett: "Are you ok?"\n\n[[...|crying]]\n

[img[begin.png][27_4]]

"You don't have a hernia," he says, "but there were a few issues."\n\n[[You feel a little bubble expanding in your stomach|27_5]], it feels faintly like the heat from last night.\n\n

[img[begin.png][27_6]]

"You have a mild case of gastritis, which will go away after a couple weeks of medication. It's really not a big deal at all--it's some inflamation of the tissue in your stomach."\n\nYou can feel your chest rising and falling with each one of your breaths, [[in and out|27_7]].

[img[begin.png][27_8]]\n

"You also have..." and he shuffled around some papers on his desk, pulling out a photo of... something pink--clearly, a picture of something in your body. \n\n"You have a condition called eosinophilic esophagitis."\n\n[[...|27_9]]\n

[img[swallow.png][28]]\n

[img[banana.png][79]]\n[img[apple.png][80]]\n

[img[swallow.png][78]]

[img[swallow.png][77]]

[img[bread.png][75]]\n[img[fries.png][76]]

[img[soup.png][75]]\n[img[fish.png][76]]

[img[swallow.png][74]]

[img[swallow.png][73]]

[img[cheese.png][71]]\n[img[carrot.png][72]]

You: "I'm sorry mom--I'm just so exhausted and upset. I'll talk to you later."\n\nMom: "Ok, call me tonight."\n\n[[Wash your face in the bathroom.|37]]\n[[Stand outside and try to calm down.|33_mom]]\n

[img[swallow.png][81]]

[img[cheese.png][79]]\n[img[soup.png][80]]\n

You tell Emmett about how, when you were 16 or 17, you had your first doctor's appointment that your mom didn't come to. She dropped you off and went to run from errands, because it was just a regular check-up. \n\nOf course, you always get weighed at check-ups, so she weighed you, and you were 145 pounds. She told you that 145 pounds was about average for your height and age, but that it was maybe a little more weight than I needed by 2 or 3 pounds. You told her that you weren't surprised, and that your mom was always saying that you were overweight, and that you thought you looked really fat.\n\nYou talked with the doctor about how huge you thought you looked when you saw yourself in the mirror--you looked like a whale, or a monster, you said, and that you saw cellulite all over your body. She told you that you might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, because, she said, "You look normal to me."\n\nEmmett tells you that you still say that about yourself now, and that he wishes you wouldn't, because you look really good. You laugh, and look down at your pasta.\n\n[[Eat up.|tomid]]\n

You: "Soup..."\n\nYou say it and feel weak. You feel nauseous even thinking about eating, but you know that it's for the best.\n\nEmmett makes you a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The bowl is full, and it looks huge to you. You can't imagine eating the whole thing, but you'll try. You know that Emmett is right--starving isn't good. No matter how tempting it is, at this point.\n\nYou dip your spoon into the bowl, bringing up a pool of broth to your lips. You take a sip, and it feels warm and nice. You swallow, and it feels like the liquid is scraping the rings on your esophagus away.\n\nEmmett: "How was that?"\n\nYou nod with approval, and scoop up a few of the noodles. You eat them, chewing thoroughly, and everything goes well. You start to feel full.\n\n[[Finish the soup.|to52]]\n